Well, I’m up the hill again and I won’t lie to say that I don’t know why. I’ve gained 3lbs since my last come to Jesus moment with you, talking about lowering my blood pressure and eating healthy.
It’s another day and I am not proud to say that I completely spiraled out of control when my menstrual visited.
She was so vicious, I ate chocolate and meat like I was working in the Willy Wonka factory, and ran as vice president of a Beef Jerky company.
Now my weight is 194 lbs, that’s a long way from sitting in the doctor’s office at 184 lbs fearful for my life and crying about how I’m going to do better.
Let’s do better shall we?
Let’s rid ourselves of the excuses that hinders us from moving forward, well, except for this next excuse.
For six days while I withered in pain, there was a lack of movement and apparently, concern. I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.
I have a firm belief that when a woman is on her cycle, life should adjust to her whims. I feel like I’m already going through enough and dealing with an array of issues, why add to it?
When I have my cycle, it’s vacation time as in self care and leave me alone lol.
However, there was no reason why I should have continued binging on chocolate and rewatching a few of my favorite kdramas when there was work to be done and empires to conquer.
Honey, it was too much. Usually at this point, I’d give up after having the most negative thoughts and emotionally eat away the days as depression threatens to consume me.
I’d tell myself, “okay kimme, ya messed up…again, start again on Monday and until then just do whatever you want”.
I’ve realized that there are only so many Mondays in one’s lifetime and you won’t always get the chance to start over.
I mustered my courage and did my little jog around the block yesterday. Instead of feeling victorious that I accomplished my mission, I beated myself the entire time about the fact that I didn’t workout or eat healthy all week.
I mean, isn’t that exhausing? It’s like damn if I do and damn if I don’t, there’s no satisfying a defeated mindset.
This may be the reason why I sat at home trying to find answers to made up questions I created solely to undermine my determination.
Why didn’t I work out? Why didn’t I push through the pain? Why do I always give up? Why this, why that, why? Why? Why?
I felt like the donkey from winnie the pooh with the cloud of blah-ness all around me.
It’s true that when there’s no enemy within you’ll have peace. I felt like I went 20 rounds with Michelle Yeoh on the battlefield. My goodness, talk about self torture! You know what I’ve learned from this experience?
Nothing that I haven’t already figured out, if you stop, so does your progress. If you beat yourself up with negativity, doubt, and self pity, you’ll embody them as characteristics.
You’ll be negative, insecure and worst of all, unactionable. You’ll be exactly where you started but with defeat as your friend.
Either you’re going to do what you said you’ll do, or you won’t. No one is stopping you but yourself.